Heather Holland Wheaton: You Are Here

Get Ready For Fashion Week Part 2

2011-09-06T07:18:00.000-04:00

This high-end look isn't hard to achieve

This season, fashion should be as unflattering as possible.

Start with a pair of flesh-colored sandals that make your ankles appear thicker than they are. Team them up with shorts that accentuated the stumpy-ness of your legs and make your derriere look almost shapeless.

What to wear on top?

How about an Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt!

Add a knock-off handbag (have you seen what they're doing with Coach on Canal?) and you're ready for the runway

Get Ready for Fashion Week

2011-09-04T07:25:00.000-04:00

Is this Mrs. Zablinski from You Are Here?

Just because you're getting old and using a walker doesn't mean you have to give up having style.

What I really want to know is, does this woman have tennis balls in colors to match every outfit? Or does she wear pink most of the time? And does she have a pantsuit that matches the standard sickly green tennis balls?

And the most important question: Who was the first person to put tennis balls on the legs of a walker?

In the Aftermath of the Storm

2011-08-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

Is there hope for New York?

Like so many things in New York these days, Hurricane Irene was a disappointment. There was more hype than there was rain. The worst thing was everything was closed because the MTA shut down. I had to cook my own food.

It made me wonder if I've lived in New York too long now. It's been over half my life.

Things used to be exciting. I met fascinating people every day.

Now excitement means going to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy a new towel. And the people out there? Produced at Kinko's—they all look the same, sound the same (using 'like' several times in every sentence) and are constantly texting each other on the same i-Phone.

I've met everybody worth meeting in New York.

Where have all the cool people gone?

Is New York finally 'over'?

Dream Job

2011-08-17T18:11:00.002-04:00

Quite possibly, the best job to have in New York City

The Strand Kiosk on 5^th Avenue and 60^th Street is a combination of my two favorite things—books and Central Park.

The 'real' Strand—the big one—supposedly has 18 miles of books. George Will said so in the 70's: "The eight miles worth saving in this city are at the corner of Broadway and 12^th Street. They are the crammed shelves of the Strand Bookstore."

Hector, who works at the Kiosk, doesn't think it's quite 18 miles—which would be longer than Manhattan itself. He thinks the Kiosk has about 18meters of books—twenty-three centimeters of that being You Are Here.

I'm jealous of his job. I go by the Kiosk three times a day on the tour bus. I look over the side and there's Hector or John or Chris, in the lovely dappled shade, surrounded by books while I'm in the hot sun surrounded by—at least it seems like it at this time of year—people who don't even know how to read.

Hector and his gang do have a tougher time though when there's a sudden rainstorm—they have to cover all the books with tarps and pack them up into the cute little storage units. I just have to hand out ponchos. I don't really care if the tourists get wet—they won't get ruined, they just won't tip.

A Tree Grows in Hell's Kitchen

2011-05-24T20:45:00.000-04:00

You'll see this tree while waiting on line to get into Jon Stewart

The tree in Betty Smith's novel is an Ailanthus or Tree-of-heaven. It's a native of China and considered a weed in the US. All an Ailanthus seed needs to grow is a little dirt (cement will do in a pinch) and some spit and it'll grow into a huge tree. Smith used it as a metaphor for a poor Irish family's ability to thrive during tough times in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

This tree outside my building in Hell's Kitchen is a Gingko, also a native of China. They're all over the streets of NYC—easy to spot because of its fan-shaped leaf that turns taxi-cab yellow in the Fall. It's very salt tolerant, so it can stand up to hundreds of dogs pissing on it every day and has a small root system that won't buckle up the sidewalks. Its fleshy berries—that smell like vomit when stepped on—are said to help improve memory.

I loved this tree. There was a little bird house in the branches that somebody had hung back in the 90's. It was a quirky bit of beauty on a cruddy-looking block.

Two years ago, the tree was hit by a truck that was backing up to make a delivery to The Jon Stewart Daily Show next door. The trunk snapped in half and lay on the sidewalk for two weeks, before the city took it away.

But it's not dead. Branches are growing out of the stump. It's quite lush. And perhaps it's a metaphor for what this neighborhood is going through.

I'm just not sure what that metaphor is.

Here is Memories of New York

2011-05-03T06:16:00.000-04:00

Memories of New York on 5th Ave and 26th St.

I’ll be the first one to admit that New Yorkers are snobs when it comes to touristy things. We don’t do the Empire, we don’t go to the Statue of Liberty and we don't shop in souvenir stores.

But secretly we love that stuff because we love New York--that’s why we live here paying all that ridiculous rent for an apartment the size of a laundry room in the rest of America.

And we’re thrilled when we Uncle Phil and Aunt Louise come in from Des Moines and stay with us (as long as they don’t stay too long) and we can do the touristy things (but it’ll be Top of the Rock and the Staten Island Ferry instead of the Empire and Statue of Liberty), yet we’re still hesitant about the souvenir shops. There's something about them that…well, that gives us hives. It's a little bit too much like being from Des Moines.

Memories of New York, however is the kind of souvenir store that New Yorkers can actually go into without fear of bumps festering on our epidermis. They stock fabulous, yet useful items baring the symbols of The Center of the Universe.

Bottle openers, pot holders, refrigerator magnets, travel mugs, books.

Books! OMG! They have an amazing selection of books! Beyond the Zagats and Fodors. Beyond The Blue Guide and those coffee-table books that nobody ever reads.

I discovered A Journey into Dorothy Parker's New York there--and I‘d never seen that anywhere in the New York sections of the bookstores that I usually haunt. I squealed with delight as I brought it up to the register.

And Memories of New York carries You Are Here.

So you can buy a copy there. And so can Uncle Phil and Aunt Louise.

Were You There?

2011-04-10T06:44:00.002-04:00

April 9th, 2011.Couldn't have asked for a nicer day or a better crowd. Giving a reading of short stories set in New York City on a double-decker tour bus is a perfect combination. Hope to do it again soon.

Started out from Penn Station (Photo by Quilty)

A beautiful spring day. In front of Lincoln Center.

Outside Logos Bookstore.
Harris Healy had the book in the window. Big thanks!

The Strand Books Kiosk on 5th Ave.
Would love to get You Are Here there.

By the Plaza Hotel. Home to Eloise.

In Columbus Circle, reading "Possibilities"--
one of my favorite stories.

ALWAYS Going Out of Business

2011-04-09T22:25:00.001-04:00

Look for this in Men in Black III

When this sign went up on 8th Ave a few days ago, I thought it was pretty funny. There are stores in New York City that have been 'going out of business' for months and even sometimes years. They're usually electronic stores or those place that sell really big, ugly sculptures of horses; Chinese snuff bottles and Faberge eggs.

It turns out this was for just for Men in Black 3—which in a way makes it even funnier. Within 24 hours, the store was returned to its usual state.

It's not the first time I was fooled by a 'set' in the city.

Here is Logos Bookstore

2011-03-28T19:24:00.004-04:00

Logos Bookstore on York Ave and 84^th St carries You Are Here

Dorothy Parker (a true Westsider) complained that her apartment on First Avenue in Manhattan “was far enough east you can plant tea.”

I am of that same ilk who regard traveling beyond 6^th Avenue as quite a chore. It involves much planning—plotting out bus routes, packing a lunch and finding someone to look after your cat.

But once you’re the there, the Eastside has something we sadly no longer have on the Westside—oodles of small businesses.

A perfect example is Logos Bookstore, owned by Harris Healy—a man who looks like his name, with a slightly askew bowtie.

Logos is about the size of my apartment. It’s cozy. There’re ladders to get to the higher shelves and a small, but amazing selection of books. And there are no mass markets—except Penguin Classics.

It's a great bookstore for browsing. “This looks interesting.” “Oh, I read that but loaned my copy to Steven and he never gave it back.” “Aunt Lois would love this.” You'll find books you forgot about and ones you didn't realize were in existence.

Logos makes me think how wonderful it’d be to live on the Eastside. I could go to there every week. I could start reading all those classics that would make me a better writer. I could join their 'Kill Your TV Reading Group.'

But then I realize I could never live on the Eastside. I have no desire to plant tea.

You Are Here Reading/Riding Double Decker Tour Bus

2011-03-27T08:31:00.000-04:00

You Could Be Here on April 9th

To celebrate the release of You Are Here, I will give a free reading of short stories on top of a double-decker tour bus on Saturday, April 9^th, 2011.

If you've never ridden a double-decker bus in New York (and how many New Yorkers have?), you'll be awe-struck by the pigeon-eye views. You'll feel almost god-like looking down at the city.

Combine that with hearing short stories set in New York and you've got yourself a perfect afternoon.

Bus departs: 1PM from the northwest corner of 7^th Avenue and 34^th Street. (Copies of You Are Here are available at Penn Books in Penn Station).

1^st Stop: Logos Bookstore (York Avenue and 84^th Street) at approximately 2PM for a quick signing and to pick up additional passengers.

Reading/tour ends: 3PM outside Perdition on 10^th Avenue and 48^th Street where $6 You Are Here cocktails will be served.

Here is Penn Books

2011-03-17T08:34:00.001-04:00

Penn Books will be carrying You Are Here

It's located in Penn Station. There're two locations, one by New Jersey Transit and one by the LIRR. That's the one I usually go to. It's part of my ritual of going to the beach—buying a book to read on the train and while lying in the sand.

The book you take to the beach is as important as the right sunscreen. And 'beach read' doesn't have to be some trashy mass-market by an author who pumps out fourteen bestsellers a year. I bought Mary Gaitskill's Bad Behavior at Penn Books as a 'beach read.' And Forever by Pete Hamill. Things You Should Know by A.M. Homes. Colum McCann's Let The Great World Spin.

Penn Books has a small, but thoughtful selection of books. That's why it's easy to find something worth reading. You don't have to weed through shelf-after-shelf of trash. And the staff is knowledgeable without being pretentious.

One of my characters in You Are Here—Alex is a clerk in Penn Books. He describes it as "a world of rushing and waiting." He met his wife, Zoë there when she bought Amanda Davis' Circling the Drain to take out to Montauk.

Zoë likes good fiction—especially short stories. I think she'd by a copy of You Are Here the next time she went out to Long Island.

Here is a Bit of Old New York

2011-02-28T08:43:00.002-05:00

"Porno Paradise" by Roudou Dou

When I moved to the city, Times Square was all porn shops, empty theatres and strung-out hookers.

Giuliani started the clean-up. Mayor Mike continued to the point where it's now stores found in any American mall, patio furniture on Broadway and adults dressed as Elmo, Cookie Monster and SpongeBob Square Pants.

There're a few porn shops left like Show World—which is officially part of the Times Square Arts Center featuring stand-up comedy and 'Improv 4 Kids.' And the internet was also a big factor in the clean-up. Now people download porn in the comfort of their own home and hookers work through Craig's List.

There's something sad about the lack of public sleaze in the city. Our only hope is that those Elmos and Cookie Monsters are really hookers trying to turn tricks as they pose for photos with tourists from France.

The Best a Man Can Get

2011-02-26T21:32:00.000-05:00

This is a billboard on Crosby and Broome in SoHo. It’s Derek Jeter—in case you didn’t recognize him—I didn’t at first—and it was hand-painted last week. Derek had a five o’clock shadow then.

The next day, Derek was lathered up by the painters. The day after he was shaved clean.

And then the stubble appeared again. And he was lathered again. Then shaved.

This will continue until March 6th. Every day two painters will show up and groom the six-story face of the Yankees Captain. Every day they’ll apply black paint, white paint and flesh-colored paint to his upper lip, jaw and chin—carefully matching it to the print-out from BBDO.

The official term for this is ‘advertecture.’

And this is why Gillette blades are so expensive.

American Standard

2011-02-15T21:55:00.002-05:00

It’s ‘Pay What You Wish’ at the Guggenheim on Saturdays from 5:45 to 7:45

My friend Liz Heeden said that it’s impossible to take a bad picture of the Guggenheim Museum. I agree, but I also think it’s impossible to take a photo of the Guggenheim that’s not s cliché.

The Guggenheim is the only Frank Lloyd Wright building in New York City (he hated the place), but the millionaires of Fifth Avenue weren’t happy about it. They thought that Wright (a socialist) designed it to look like a toilet as an elaborate joke on the wealthy.

Vini, Vidi, Venti

2011-01-24T23:01:00.002-05:00

You’ll see this and other treasures of the NY’s underworld at MOB Scene.

This is a photo from MOB Scene—a tiny, new museum on Broome Street in what’s left of Little Italy.

That’s Albert Anastasia, the boss of the Gambino Crime Family on the floor. He was getting his haircut in the barber shop at the Park Central Hotel and got whacked.

His murder remains officially unsolved, but it’s widely believed that it was done by Joe Gallo. Gallo was gunned down years later in Umberto's Clam House—which is still in Little Italy, but at a different location.

The barber shop in the Park Central is now a Starbucks.

You’ll get free admission to MOB Scene if you mention my name. It’s actually free to everyone, but it’ll make you sound connected.

Here is What's Important

2011-01-24T20:45:00.003-05:00

Phone kiosk on 3^rd Avenue and 29^th Street

I don’t own a TV, so I miss out on a lot of what’s going on in the world.

I’d never heard of the Kardashians until a couple of tourists asked me where the Dash store was. They were horrified that I lived in New York but were unaware of their existence.

I know now and my life is much richer.

Modern Canine Art

2011-01-18T12:00:00.002-05:00

Dog piss on 5^th Avenue—just across from the Guggenheim.

In New York City, even dogs like to show off their creativity. They piss in different colors and create spectacular designs. Winter of course, is the only time of year when we can appreciate this.

Here is the Eden of Rock-n-Roll

2011-01-02T19:50:00.003-05:00

Ever stay here?

Here is the guestroom of Marty Boratin and Susan Tanner’s house in Eden, NY (just outside Buffalo).

For years, Marty has been booking bands in the city, then putting them up for the night and cooking them amazing food.

When he and Susan got married, they built this incredible house and upgraded the guest conditions to the level of the Plaza. There’s a Jacuzzi in the bath and the guestroom itself is decorated in vintage souvenirs. There’s also a lovely selection of complimentary postcards and the finest concierge service on the planet.

Bands that have stayed with Susan and Marty include: Jon Langford, The Fleshtones, Bad Livers, The Drams, The Icicles, The Big Sleep, Cowboy Junkies, Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash, Carolyn Mark, Das Damen and Fugazi.

Famous and infamous writers have stayed here as well.

Marty and Susan are currently working on a memoir/cookbook about their adventures.

New Decade/Same Old Crap

2010-12-30T23:46:00.003-05:00

What's next for us?

I was so happy last year thinking that in 2011, they'd stop making these stupid sunglasses.

The double zeros we had in the 'oughts' (as a few people have called them) lent themselves to the ridiculous eyewear.

And in a way, the glasses were the perfect symbol of a decade. A decade when, it seems, we all got dumber. And we were subjected to awful clothes and terrible music and we could have it all instantly through our phones while getting a root canal and watching CNN.

I guess we’re stuck for another ten years.

Fashion Must-Haves

2010-12-27T21:00:00.006-05:00

If you buy only one accessory this year, make it an animal hat.

I like to keep an eye on the ‘tourist fashion’ trends—clothing and accessories bought—usually when the weather in New York is different from the homeland—from street vendors and souvenir shops.

This winter, animal hats are the rage. Most of the time the hats are knit. These appear to be made from actual stuffed animals.

Mom thinks of herself as a kitty (although at this angle, it could also be a pig) and Junior fancies himself a chipmunk. Dad—not so fashion forward—sports the more traditional faux hunter headwear.

Mom and Dad argued during the entire tour in a language that involved a lot of phlegm.

Christmas in NYC

2010-12-13T19:52:00.012-05:00

Looking out onto Columbus Circle

They don’t call the shops at the Time Warner Center a ‘mall.’ It’s called ‘a vertical retail experience.’

It’s a mall. And there’s something very comforting about being in it during the Christmas season.

'Here' is DUMBO

2010-11-18T07:28:00.001-05:00

Sent via BlackBerry by Sean Kershaw

"York & Jay St. DUMBO Brooklyn"

FYI: Sean Kershaw refers to Manhattan as the tiny island off the ‘mainland.’ HHW

Here is Between Heaven and Hell's Kitchen

2010-11-11T20:13:00.000-05:00

I like that we consider Brooklyn Lager an import in Manhattan.

‘Here’ is the bottom of my pint glass in my other ‘office,’ Perdition on 10^th Avenue.

I love Perdition. Almost all the first drafts of the stories in You Are Here were written in my Moleskin while sitting at the bar. They have free wi-fi here, so I can get other work done as well.

Sean makes a mean Bloody Mary. Scotty is just plain mean (in a very good way). Dylan is quick with the snarky comments (and actually times how long it takes you to finish a drink). Jess has a great laugh and hair to dye for (pun intended).

You never know when the Dead Kennedys or Tom Jones will come on the iPod shuffle or when you’ll suddenly be having a fascinating conversation about Conan O'Brien or the creepy murals at the Denver Airport.

Not Quite in the Gutter

2010-11-11T16:24:00.003-05:00

I found this when I was getting off the tour bus on 8^th Avenue and 48^th Street the other day. I’d done it in 2008, but forgot about it. I’m on that block all the time—it’s where our uptown tours leave from—but I’m never here by this one spot.

I’m glad I found it. It looks better now than when it was first done. It has a healthy patina of NYC schmutz. And the pigeon poop is a nice touch. As is the black polka dot of gum.

Here/Hear

2010-11-10T14:40:00.007-05:00

Heather Holland Wheaton's laptop. No, it's not a Mac

‘Here’ is my laptop that contains pretty much my whole life—writing, music, photos. It’s in my home office—which is really just a wider part of my hallway. I like my office though. It doesn’t need to be any larger. The window looks out onto an airshaft.

In the summer, I can hear everything that goes on in my neighbors’ apartments. One of my neighbors has a Zippo lighter. I can hear him flick it, light his cigarette and then cough up a lung.

A Reading

2010-11-02T09:21:00.007-04:00

I’m be reading from You Are Here at the fabulous KGB Bar on Saturday, November 13^th. It’s part of the Trumpet Fiction Series from Ducts.org. Kristine Tenace and Sally Koslow will also be reading.

It’s free, but I’m sure you’ll be tempted to have a cocktail.

Copies of Eight Million Stories and Wet Paint will be available AND I’ll have fun, free You Are Here stickers to kick off the big Where is ‘Here’? Sticker Project.

KGB Bar

85 East 4th St. between Bowery and 2nd Avenue

Saturday, November 13^th 7PM

Reasons Why I Love Living in Hell’s Kitchen

2010-10-14T11:43:00.024-04:00

● It’s in the center of the Center of the Universe.

● Despite the gentrification that’s going on, it’s still a real neighborhood. There’re people who’ve lived here all their lives. There’re people here who’ve never even left the ‘hood.

● It’s cheap.

● The Hudson River is right here.

● We have several names: Hell’s Kitchen, Clinton, Chelsea Heights, Hell-Sea, Midtown West and Heck’s Kitchen. There’s that one poor neighborhood on the Eastside in the 20’s—not quite Gramercy Park, not quite Murray Hill—that has no name at all. How sad.

● The beautiful assortment of tenements.

● There’s a good assortment of people who live here. Stagehands, actors, photographers, construction workers, engineers, artists, bartenders…and they come in all colors and ethnicity.

● Amazing food, although too many Thai restaurants.

Can you think of any to add?

Email ‘em to h@heatherhollandwheaton.com

Empire

2010-10-07T15:30:00.003-04:00

I went to the top of the Empire State Building yesterday. Like most New Yorkers, I’d never been before.

It was fun, but I think the Top of the Rock is by far superior—you can see all of Central Park. And the observation decks at the Empire are very small and you’re cramped in with all these rude tourists. The tourists that go to the Top of the Rock are a better class of people.

The best part of my experience was I could see my apartment building. I can’t see that from the Top of the Rock because Worldwide Plaza is in the way. I like the idea that the 3.5 million people who visit the Empire each year get the opportunity to see it as well. I doubt that any of them actually see it since it’s just a tiny little tenement and hard to spot unless you know exactly where to look—and why would any of them bother to do that?

Still, it’s a nice thought.

27-E

2010-09-04T00:15:00.001-04:00

I looked at a bunch of apartments with a bunch of real estate brokers this summer because I thought I was going to move out my place (where I’ve been living for the past 13 years).

This was a studio in an elevator/doorman building on 86th and Broadway—the Upper Westside! A place where they actually have bookstores instead of just restaurants! And it was the same price as my one bedroom railroad in a Hell’s Kitchen tenement with cruddy, slanted floors.

What was so strange about this place was that someone was still living there. Her things were on display. Her dishes and five rolls of paper towels stacked above the cupboards in the tiny kitchen; her plug-in Vanilla-Holiday air freshener in the bathroom; her light pink Victoria’s Secret bras hanging on hooks in the closet. And her neatly made single bed with a teddy bear on the pillow.

It was a nice enough place. I liked the tiny kitchen since I never cook. And I kind of liked the idea of a new neighborhood, but the teddy bear creeped me out. If I’d moved in, I’d always think about it and I think it would depress me. The teddy bear would remain there long after the girl moved out. And only because I’d seen it.

Ta-da! The front cover (done by Frank Black) of my new book that will be coming out in April from HK Publishing. Note the title of it—You Are Here is same as the title of this blog. Shameless cross-promotion.

And this blog, like the book will be about the sense of place. Something a lot of us take for granted most of the time.

I love the place of New York. It’s my favorite place. It ends up actually being a character in most of my stories. Larger than life and usually lovable, but occasionally a bit insensitive and despicable.

And New York is made up of oodles of smaller places that I’m going to write about here. Don’t expect too many excerpts from the book. Why give away the milk when you’re trying to sell the latte?

Sighting/Seeing

2010-08-29T12:04:00.002-04:00

Photo by John Quilty

My friend John Quilty took this photo from a high-rise on 59th Street. He says he knows I was the tour guide on the bus because he could hear my voice. I believe him.

People are always trying to spot me on the bus. “I saw you in the East Village,” they say. “I could see your red hair. I called your name, but you didn’t hear me.”

Being a tour guide on a double-decker bus is a very high profile job.